Why I Became an Independent Woman

11:07 AM


I have written in the past about my aversion to ever getting married again, but never did I really mention why that aversion exists. I struggle each day with being an independent woman. Sure, it sounds great in theory, but it is trying and after years, tiresome. That being said, I wouldn't have it any other way. It kills me each day to read stories of women who feel trapped on their current paths or in their current relationships because they don't know what they would do on their own. So, this post is not to bash anyone for being married (If it works for you I am thrilled), but is instead to explain how my decision came to be and maybe help some women see that they can do it too.

There was a time when I was a dutiful wife. I was meek and subservient. My ex-husband would take the only car to work with him and at one point even started removing the phone from the wall and taking that too. Each time I went into labor with my oldest two, I had to walk to a neighbor's house to use a phone so I could get a ride to the hospital. He handled the money, he paid the bills and I sat at home while being emotionally and at some times physically abused. The sad part is that I was happy to do so. I couldn't or rather wouldn't leave. I had been convinced for years that I was worth nothing, would never be anything and had nowhere else to go.

One day, I woke up to find myself penniless and being kicked out of my home. My ex-husband was strung out on drugs and I needed to leave. I went to live with my parents, got enrolled in school and got a waitressing job. He went off to rehab in another city and for 8 months I was good. Then he came back and slowly I got drug back in. Soon he was doing drugs again, stealing all my money, overdrawing my bank account and I stayed. Why? Because I was pregnant again. During those 9 months, I struggled harder than ever before. He was running around with multiple women, doing drugs and he even let one of the women into our home and let her assault me while I was 8 months pregnant and on crutches with a broken ankle.

I filed for divorce and it was finalized. He still hung on though and I eventually let him move into the new house I had rented. My mom found out and in the end, it was her that saved me from my own addiction. My sick co-dependent addiction that had threatened to take over my life and that of my children. She told me it was him or my family. In the end, I chose my family, he moved off to live with his mom and it was then that I became independent. I worked any job I had to, to make ends meet. Even driving a cab for 2 years was not beneath me. Eventually I met Matt and we had my youngest son Jase.

Since then, I have purchased my own home, own two vehicles and while I may not have the best of everything, I was able to get it all on my own and no one can take it away. While Matt does live with me, he is not responsible for any bills. I am now 100% independent and have been for the last 7 years. It is a hard road, but it is one any woman can walk down. You will struggle, you will wait in the cold for hours upon end at the chance to get a toy for your children from a church for Christmas, but it is a better and more fulfilling life than staying with someone who only wants to hurt you. There is nothing special or extraordinary about me and I can promise you there is help out there. If I can become independent and self sufficient, anyone can.

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17 comments

  1. You dont need to be married and its great that you are doing it on your own.

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  2. Awesome! You can do anything you set your mind to.

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  3. Wow, just wow. I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience such and am glad you have moved on and above that. Unlike many think, the role of a wife is NOT to be subservient. There are just a ton of selfish creeps out there who are all too eager to take advantage of women that struggle with self-esteem and want desperately to be loved. I know you'll raise some great boys that will treat women with respect and honor. As for marriage itself, a good one is a wonderful thing but both parties need to work hard to make it that way!

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  4. Wow you're an amazing and stronger person because of your moms help. ;-)

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  5. Sorry you had to take the path you did to get where you are today but I totally agree with a woman being independent. Having always been one myself I can't imagine ever not being able to take care of myself. I am married but I am independent and lived on my own before I ever got married.

    Congrats on your independence and your appreciation of it.

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  6. Good for you! You are a great example to many women who feel they are trapped... you show them that they do have a choice.

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  7. Thanks for sharing this story. I'm sure you have helped many women out there, even if it's just planting a seed.

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  8. Wow. I am so sorry for your struggles. I cannot imagine going through what you have. You are such a strong woman.

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  9. Your story is inspiring - how wonderful that you were able to summon such strength from within.

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  10. being independent and selfsufficient is such a rare quality in women these days. I've been there and seen so many of my friends pass that up to live with a man who was just there to help. I've never let a man live with me without paying his own way so I hope you too are making sure that you don't have a free loader on your hands. While it's important to be independent its also important to make sure that you are not taken advantage of. good luck to you. Your a strong women

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  11. I'm proud of you for coming so far and for providing for your kids so well...so many women fall into the madness along with their men as a coping mechanism. You rock K! AND it's wonderful that you're sharing your story, I'm sure there are others who will identify with you!

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  12. Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a personal story and I'm sure will encourage other women who are in the same situation to know that they can get out and can do things on their own. Now you can raise your boys differently and show them how to respect women.

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  13. You are an inspiring woman. My story is a little different but I too raised 4 children by myself. I feel guilty every day that they grew up in poverty but I wasn't as strong as you. I still won't get involved with anyone. I hope your relationship now is a strong fulfilling one. I can tell by some of your posts that you are strong, very strong! Congratulations on being able to tell your story to help others.
    Gladys P

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  14. Thanks ladies. It means a lot to hear these words from some of you. Honestly, I just hope to give some other women courage to take a stand and change their lives for the better.

    Gladys, I am sure you are every bit as strong as me and do not sell yourself short. It takes a lot to raise 4 boys alone and I know you did the very best you could!

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  15. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through in the past. I've been through a lot as well, and this has made me a lot stronger and wiser as well. I'm now remarried yet firmly believe that every woman should have her own level of independence. Marriages and relationships don't always work out.

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  16. Bless your heart. I'm really proud of you for finally getting out of that relationship. I know it must have been extremely tough and humbling. You are amazing. I hope every woman that reads this in the same situation will take strength from this post.

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  17. Great story. Women are strong, men need to know this ;-)

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