You're Not Really a Parent Until...

6:57 AM


Becoming a new parent is like being thrust into boot camp. You are immediately dealing with feats you never though possible. You have to graduate that boot camp program just to earn your degree and become a full fledged parent. How do you do that? Well, let me just say, you are not really a parent until...

-You have had every shirt you own covered in every bodily fluid known to man.

-You have had an entire store full of people stop and stare at you and your child, who is screaming their head off because they want a cookie.

- You have stepped on a Matchbox car, Barbie heel or any other small toy and proceeded to teach your child a few new colorful words.

- You have been embarrassed by something your child has said or repeated in public.

- You have had to devise a makeshift diaper or shorts out of toilet paper, paper towels and band aids because you forgot to bring extras with you.

- You have bribed your child with candy, money or a toy if they would just be quiet for two seconds.

- You have repeated every phrase your parents said to you and you swore you would never say to your children.

- You have cleaned your child's artwork off the walls in several different mediums. Crayons, markers, poop.

- You have been brought a "surprise" only to find out it is a dead animal or a live bug.

- You have heard the words "You are the worst parent ever." By the way, these words usually are spoken when you are trying to be the best parent ever and act responsibly.

- You have felt your heart being ripped out because your baby is finally going off to school.

Have any other requirements recruits have to fulfill before becoming full fledged battle wounded parents? Feel free to drop them in the comments below!

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12 comments

  1. I have never had to deal with poop on the walls but my friend has, everywhere. It was a nightmare. And those little GI Joe men(the plastic ones) hurt like a you know what when you step on them. Many have made a new home in the garbarge.

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  2. Agreed about the GI Joes. Most of my boys at one point or another thought it would be a good idea to paint with their poop. Usually it would happen during nap time, so I wouldn't know until I opened the door and saw World War 3 all over the place.

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  3. The worst thing to step on are wooden blocks with those sharp edges. I haven't hit a lot of these yet since my daughter is only 2 but I know it's coming.

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  4. Oh man. I have been there. What the heck is it about my girls living like frat boys?? They regularly go down to the basement to watch TV/play. There are food bits (like pizza crusts), empty juice boxes, toys, princess dresses, etc. I don't like living in a frat house!

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  5. These are hilarious and oh SO TRUE!!

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  6. I agree, blocks are stinky things to step on.

    Yes Cheryl, I will go look under the boys' beds and there will be empty juice boxes. I am like, How did that even get in here?

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  7. Oh no! I never want to hear the "you are the worst parent" words!! Gahhh!! Can I keep my daughter at 3.5 forever?!?

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  8. LEGOS are the worst, the absolute worst, to step on. I would add that you must say one phrase that makes you pause after you say it and think to yourself "WTH did I just say that??" For example, "There is no swordfighting in the car!" or "I thought I told you to leave the frog in the bathtub!"

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  9. Other phrases I never thought I would hear myself say.
    You can only play with his own pee pee. (in the bath)
    Mom of Boys ages 6, 3, 1

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  10. - You have eaten a slightly mushy cookie (or other snack) that your two year old has been eating and wants to share with you.

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  11. I have never had to deal with poop anywhere but in a diaper or in/on the toilet - and I will be forever grateful for that!

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