Monday, May 16, 2011
Alright ladies, we have all been there. There are tons of articles dedicated to decoding what women say, but hardly any about men. Why is that? Are men simple, therefore they don't need translating? No, it is simply that they don't want their phrases defined for fear of women actually knowing what is going on. Let me shine some light on common man speak for you ladies. Most of these phrases should look familiar.
"I'll do it later" - The grass will grow so tall that our children will get lost in the yard never to be seen again before it is actually cut. Later is an indeterminable length of time that is proportionate to how much the man doesn't want to do the opposing action.
"Hmm?, Yep or any other vague acknowledgement" - I am ignoring you while pretending to listen. "Please stop talking so I can watch the game."
"Nothing is Wrong" - Really, I just had a crappy day. Please don't make me talk about my feelings!
"Are you okay" - Did I forget a birthday? For the love of all that is good and holy, please tell me I did not forget our anniversary!
"I can fix that" - I can break that twice as bad as it was before so that we have to pay a professional a fortune to actually fix it.
"In a minute" - I might get to it in an hour, or two, or three.....
"She wasn't that pretty" - Yes she was, but if I tell you that I will sleep on the couch for a week.
"I'm Bored" - Can we have sex today?
"Sure" - I really don't want to do whatever you just asked me to do, but I will because it is easier than fighting with you and I might get lucky.
"I'll take the kids" I really want to get lucky and if I give you some peace and quiet today, I just might. (Anyone noticing a recurring theme here?)
"I don't know how" - I do know how, but I don't want to do the laundry or anything else, so I will claim ignorance and you will do it for me.
"I'm not lost" - I am so lost, but I am not going to give you the satisfaction of proving me wrong and do a shameful thing like ask for directions.
"I don't need instructions" - It will just take twice as long to put together and will look like a piece of modern abstract art when I am done.