A Mother's Pain

9:38 AM


Dear Boys,

Today I cried.

I cried because try as I might, you continue to grow day by day in front of my eyes. I cried because you shied away from my hug in public. I cried because you can now hold my entire hand instead of just a finger or two. I cried because your chubby cheeks are fading fast and baby hands are things of the past. No one told me it would hurt this much.

There was talk of sleepless nights and sibling fights, but never mention of this heartache. The heartache that stems from losing you a little more each day. Each morning you are a little more independent and each night you need me a little less.

Where did the time go? I think back and can hardly remember. For almost 11 years now I have had a little one at home and now that time is almost gone. I can't get it back, it won't come again. This emptiness, this disturbing hurt is a mother's pain. The pain of knowing the world of sippy cups and treasured teddy bears is ending. Who am I now? What am I to do?

No one ever told me it would hurt this much. Why don't they warn you? You look in the mirror and see almost adults. I look at you and all I can see is bright baby eyes and soft little curls. I hear cries for mommy late at night and remember placing soft kisses on hurt knees. Please don't expect me to see you as all grown up, because to me you never will be. I don't know how to deal with this "growing up thing" so.....

I cry.

I cry because the most precious thing to me is ending. In the coming years, I will go from being a super hero capable of almost anything, to someone who doesn't understand you and who you are embarrassed to be seen with. I am not sure I am ready for that. You are the best things about me and I don't want to let that go.

For today, I will hug and kiss you while it is still acceptable. I will have water balloon fights with you, snuggle in front of the TV for a late night movie, dance to crazy music all day long and cherish every single second that you are still my little boys. It is so hard to let go.

Someone should have warned me.

Love Mommy

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15 comments

  1. It is sooo tough letting them grow up. And you are right, it seems like one day you just look at them and realize the precious "little years" are just about gone. *sigh*

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  2. I spent my days partially anxious to see my kids grow and learn and change and partially wishing I could freeze them in time.

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  3. Oh, but they do come back! I promise!

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  4. I have cried that cry so many times.. Always have wished that when they got to ten they could go backwards a couple of years so I could catch up. I will always remember the day when I noticed they got "man" hands ( for the boys ) and the feeling that there was no more chance of them being my babies. My youngest is now 18 and it is a whole different relationship than when they were babies.. but is one I treasure just as much.. being able to be their mom... and their friend.. it is beautiful! I do still cry sometimes for how fast everything went... wish I had never blinked.

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  5. :( I wanted the warning as well, with how fast they grow. One day they will not be in my home, and off with their own life. I pray they will always need me.

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  6. I only have one little boy and he's not even one yet! But every night I rock him to sleep and sometimes can't even get through his good night song because I think of this. Absolutely heart breaking!

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  7. Ahh, I understand. I feel that my babies are growing far too quickly. I am a new follower and I would love for you to visit me @ mommies and beyond dot come! Have a lovely week!

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  8. You are such a sweet mommy!

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  9. Thanks ladies! It is nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way!

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  10. Well my dearest sister....I would like to thank you for sending me to bed in tears..:) As my oldest prepares to become a mother shortly and my youngest is getting ready to enter his senior year, I know all too well the tears you shed. I always make it a point to tell a pregnant women I know to be sure to cherish each moment becuase they have no idea how quickly the time will go by. LOVE YOU!

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  11. now I'm crying...thanks a lot! This post was so heartfelt and although I have a baby right now he's growing up twice as fast as my daughter. At least it seems that way. Ugh.

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  12. aaww. I love this. It's a good reminder for me because lately I've just been frustrated and fed up with my little ones. This reminds me that it will be gone soon and I'll be regretting feeling annoyed now.

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  13. Don't worry for one second that your boys won't still love you even more as they grow older! As a mother of 4 boys too, I can tell you it only gets better. My oldest, 18, is so loving and appreciative and told me he wants to marry someone just like me. How thrilling! They open up more, you can share more laughs and they learn to get through that awkward puberty phase of acting distant. Don't worry, the best is ahead of you!

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  14. Oh how true this is! What a beautiful post. I have 2 boys as well and feat not being needed, I know it is so close...I try to hold on to this time as much as possible but it is slipping through my fingers. We just have to go with the flow I guess!

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