So I'm Not Married, Get Over It Already!

10:34 AM

 Sometimes I feel like I live in the 50's and constantly need to explain why I have chosen to not be married and instead live my life as an independent woman. Yes, that's right. I have chosen to be an unmarried mother. I don't look down on women who are married or even those who are engaged, so I don't know why I am looked at like a three legged monster when people find out I am not married to Matt.

When I was looking for a match as a surrogate I was asked when the wedding date was. How about never? Seriously though, I don't know if I will ever get married again, but you know what? That is my decision to make and should not effect how people view me. It doesn't make me any less of a person because I do not have a little signed piece of paper claiming that I am bound to another individual, just as it does not make those who are married any less of a person because they do have that little piece of paper.

I was married once. Do you know what it feels like to wake up one morning only to discover that the person who was supposed to take care of you had snorted your life savings up his nose and you were losing your house? I do. I vowed from that point forward that I would depend only on myself and that is what I have done. With some help from my mom who let me stay with her for a few months, I have managed to get my own home, cars and an income that provides for my family. I am happy with my life the way it is and see no reason to change it.

Matt and I have been together for over six years now. We do not celebrate our anniversary, we are good friends and we rarely ever fight about much of anything. We are happy with the way our relationship is. If it were up to Matt, we would be married tomorrow, but he is willing to wait it out or be with me as we are and I see no reason to change things. My kids don't experience anything any different now than they would if we were married, so I see no reason to do it for them either.

What are your thoughts? Does it make you a freak of nature if you choose to be an independent woman?

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17 comments

  1. Brian and I have been together 10 years and are still not married. We each brought a child into the relationship and we live like any other family. I know some people probably look down on us to but we don't care. We have a happy home together and as long as us and our kids are happy I could care less what other people think. In the end marriage is just a piece of paper and I can promise to love and to cherish with or without it.

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  2. I think you should do what makes you happy. Like you said, it's not the '50's anymore. I would just make sure you have all your legal papers in order should something happen to you. Not being married will make that a little more complicated if you want your partner to receive what a spouse would, and take care of the kids.

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  3. Definitely Amanda. I have all my affairs in order and know exactly what to do should I or Matt pass away. Very great point though!

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  4. I don't get why people look down upon people who aren't married drives me nuts. Do what makes you happy, that is all that matters. Not what he or she think, you!

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  5. I don't get why people look down on people like that. Sometimes you can have the best relationship ever and honestly marriage screws it up. Jason and I had two kids, bought the house and then finally got married. I will tell you our relationship went down hill right after that. We got divorced and now are back working on things and are much better than we ever were married.

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  6. This struck a nerve...
    My first husband and I were together for several years before we finally married due to family pressure (late70's-early 80's.) We went through the hassle of getting a blood test and license between stops in building our own business, had the words spoken and the paper signed on a day off, went to work the next day. Nothing changed. Nothing. We were still together because we wanted to be. When he died (we were still in our 20's) absolutely nothing that needed to be handled was easier because we were married--any of it could have been handled with a will, or power-of-attorney, or one of several documents that do not involve preachers and ceremonies. Nothing would have made it easier. Not one thing would have been any different to me. Not one thing.
    Now--After many years as a widow, after my husband's many years alone after a bloody divorce, he and I were so excited to have found each other that we rustled up a small town JP while on a road trip and had a ceremony--so I am married now. We are together because we want to be.
    My idea is that some people are so stuck in a flat, one-dimensional mind-set that they can't function without a "program" (fine, let them follow the programming--no skin off my nose as long as they don't hassle me.) Because you have kids, go ahead and make an emergency plan, but live your lives together...because you want to be together.

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  7. Well said! I am married, but I know the feeling...I get it all the time from people who knew be before I got married - the first time...They look down on me and judge me when they find out I'm divorced. I get the "God doesn't approve of that" crap all the time. I'm not by any means trying to discount someone's belief in God, please know that. To each their own on their belief! But here's my thing. If God thinks you should stay with someone who mistreats you, (I was told I was fat, ugly, a waste of flesh, ruined his life and would never amount to anything - EVERY WEEKEND - it would have been more often but I only saw him on weekends because of our work schedules...thankfully!). We were together 7 years. I can't imagine that any God would want a person to be miserable like that for the rest of their lives JUST to avoid a divorce. So although I am remarried (and I get judged for that too because we were married 14 months after we started dating, which was 14 months and 2 weeks after my divorce was final), I still am judged for having been divorced and it sucks. I think what you have done for you and your family is beautiful and admirable! Being unmarried makes you no less of a woman, mother or "spouse". A piece of paper doesn't make you married! My husband and I say all the time we were married before we said I do. We made that commitment to one another and piece of paper didn't change it in our eyes. Really, the big reason for marriage? The tax break! Lol. But we're very happy almost 6 years and 2 kids later.

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  8. I think it's wonderful that you're happy and doing things on your own terms. I think most women should take a lesson from you!

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  9. I don't think a piece of paper can ever say how committed you are to another person. Kudos for you to stand by what you believe in! ((HUGS))

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  10. Ack, your first husband was a jerk. I'm glad you are happy now.

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  11. Bobster & I have been together 5 1/2 yrs, our sone is 4 1/2. We are engaged but in no rush to get to the alter.

    Both of us were married before and both experienced "crappy" marriages that we were not aware of were crappy.

    More power to you!

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  12. It does not make you a freak of nature. Anyone who goes against the grain faces disapproval. I say do what works and more power to ya!

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  13. Well aren't you ladies great! I appreciate the kind words and am glad to find some other women who have been and are in the same situation as myself. I have every intention of continuing to do what I feel is best for my life!

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  14. Heck no it doesn't make you a freak of nature. Especially after what you have been through, I don't know that I would be anxious to do it again either (although sounds like a dream). But you are right - the paper doesn't make or break a relationship. Many marriages (with paper) are couples who are fighting all the time, and not happy. Here you two are happy, not fighting and don't have the paper. It doesn't matter!!

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  15. I think you are fabulous! I think you make for a strong role model that women don't need men!

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  16. I didn't even realize you weren't married to Matt. You are a happy mother with well-adjusted and happy boys. It doesn't matter what other people say or think... I wasn't going to EVER get married after my first marriage, but ended up saying yes to Bill one morning when he came down (in his underware) as I was ironing his shirt for work and said, "you have to marry me." But as others have said, nothing really changed.
    People should just mind their own business and as you've said, just get over it already!!

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  17. I have a friend my age, 42, who has never married and I've never thought she was less of a person for not marrying. The older I get the LESS I care what people think!!!

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